Deep Breaths......

In through the nose, out through the mouth....in and out, in and out....
I'm feeling overwhelmed.  I'm just trying to keep my head above water lately.  Last week, one of
A's good friends and fellow trooper passed away suddenly.  He was going to be turning 40 on May 16th, which happens to be A's birthday as well.  A took this very hard.  Actually, even I have been taking it kind of hard.  I won't lie, I've done my fair share of crying to myself.  It was so tragic.  It's amazing how close to home it felt.  I have the tendency of being very independent and sometimes forget how much I rely on A.  Not just for help or his opinions, but for his company and love. I just can't imagine being suddenly left to do it ALL alone.  My heart weeps for his family and friends, including my husband. 

Last week, L's cardiologist called and moved back his surgery to June 11.  I'm beginning to get nervous.  In my head, I know that this is a simple surgery that is preformed over and over.  But deep in my belly, I'm scared.  Will I be able to be strong for L when I see him small and sweet laying in a hospital gown?  I am trying to be as strong as I possibly can for this little guy, but inside I'm a bit of a hot mess! 

This week, I had an appointment with a new hand surgeon.  I can't remember what I've mentioned before (and am too lazy to go back and look) about my right thumb.  My Ehlers Danlos is acting up in a big way again and my thumb has been consistently dislocating.  Anymore, I am in so much pain, by the end of the day, it is three times swollen, painful and basically useless.  I went to a Dr here in Wooster about 8 months ago to get a brace and ring splint to try.  Two months ago, I was at the point where I can't barely squeeze a bottle, open a door, or push a shopping cart.  I went back to the same Dr and he said I needed to have the joint replaced.  However, when I went to schedule my surgery, he was a little nervous doing it with my ehlers danlos, so he suggested a second opinion.  My second opinion appt was Wed.  Basically, I have three choices: Replacement: this option involves using my own tendon to make my joint and using soft tissue comes with the potential that it could stretch out again.  If this did happen further down the road, I would have no other options available to me because my bones would be gone.  Fusion: they would remove the cartilage in my joint and put a pin in it, limiting my motion.  This is not really the greatest option because I lose mobility, however, it is the most sure fire choice because it would insure it would stay repaired for the rest of my life.  Or, the third option: Do nothing.  Doing nothing may be a short term plan, but it certainly won't be a solid long term plan.  I am going with the fusion.  I'm terrified.  Just thinking about losing some of the mobility in my right hand makes my stomach flip.  Trying to be levelheaded, I admit the motion I will be losing probably won't be as bad as I think it will be.  But I also figure I don't entirely realize how much I actually use that motion at the same time.  Does that make sense?  I'll probably be able to manage almost all things fine, but I'm sure I'll be surprised how much I used that motion as well. 

I hate complaining on my blog.  Sometimes, I just have to get all this stuff out and I know my poor friends and family have listened and dealt with all my crazy freak outs to their limit.  I get it.  Now it's the entire Internet's turn to enjoy my major panic attacks.  Thankfully, almost all of the Internet doesn't read my blog...so they are spared!  :)