Gosh...keeping a blog daily is difficult. Today's question(s) is something I've been giving a lot of thought to lately. What kind of parent are you (or would like to be)? What are things you do well related to parenting? Where could you improve? These are hard questions to answer truthfully, no matter how candid you think you are with yourself. No one wants to admit they make mistakes...even if you can own your mistakes, learning from them, and changing the way you deal with things is not a simple fix.
I am going to preface this with some excuses. No matter how valid they are, to me, they still come out sounding like excuses. We all have our crosses to bear. Some have it worse than others and you will always find someone out there who have overcome adversity worse than yours. That being said, sometimes these things compile and make it hard to manage anything, let alone being a stellar parent. I live with chronic pain. I am not the chronic pain patient who is happy with "take your meds and you'll be fine". I've fought my pain tooth and nail for eight LONG years so far. I've suffered through four shoulder surgeries and two surgeries to implant a spinal cord stimulators with hopes of helping relieve some of the pain I suffer. Currently, I am in the "take your meds and you'll be fine" stage of things, but not by choice and certainly not happily. I am always looking for new ways to take care of my pain. Anyway, having chronic pain takes a very real toll on your body. Not only are you always exhausted from being in pain constantly, you are also on medications to help which makes you constantly tired. Add to that, having a spinal cord stimulator sends a numbing/ tingling feeling to my whole body at any given move of my neck which can leave me feeling weak at different times. Basically, I am not perfect and this kind of stuff greatly effects my parenting.
I think I am a parent who is quick to hug and sooth, yet isn't afraid to get crazy at my kid if he is making me nuts. I am not that parent who will tell you that having a child completes my life. I love L. I love L unconditionally. He is a huge part of me. My child is wonderfully different and quirky and I love that the most about him. He is ridiculously smart and never forgets anything. I'm proud at how clever he is and how he thinks things through in a way that I never could. He also makes me absolutely crazy mad and frustrated. He has and probably always will keep me on my toes. Nothing with L is simple. Sometimes, I even love that about him. I want to be the parent that knows how to help a child like L grow and be successful and happy. I am not that parent right now. I feel like a fish out of water most of the time. Nurturing may come natural to me (more natural than I actually expected...that was my big fear during my pregnancy), but disciplining and teaching my child the ins and outs of life are definitely not a natural skill to me. I push and want things just so and perfect and even though L is not far behind me in perfectionism, a four year old's idea of perfect is vastly different than mine. I try to reason with a child who doesn't know what reasoning is yet. It is so hard to describe what kind of parent you are. I can say though, with 100% surety, I give parenting my all. My effort is stellar! I am always trying to think of new and exciting things to do with L. I go above and beyond to celebrate milestones in his life. I never stop trying.
Wow....such a simple question led to a deep look into my life as a mom. Sometimes it helps to just write it all out. Like any good mom, I have lots of areas to work on. I need to slow down and enjoy my child more. Help him learn things like writing and spelling. Being a parent is a never ending job. I know before I became a parent, I knew that I'd probably mess up my kid somehow, because we all are a little bit of effed up, seems like it's a natural thing to do! When your child knows that he/ she is loved and is happy, that's all that matters in the end. :)
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